Comfortably Numb
by kate438
Summary: They say that once you've hit rock bottom, there is no place to go but up. Luka tries to find the way up. ..:Complete!:..[reposted because I accidentally deleted it :(]
1. Default Chapter

**Hello. Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home? C'mon now, I hear you're feeling down. I can ease your pain. Get you on you're feet again. Relax. I need some information first. Just the basic facts. Can you show me where it hurts?**

_I hate how I feel. I wake up every morning, look in the mirror and a reflection of someone I don't know anymore stares back at me. I don't really know how I got this way. One day I was fine. I was a normal person, living a normal life, but now... now that life doesn't exist anymore._

**There is no pain. You are receding. A distant ship's smoke on the horizon. You are only coming through in waves. Your lips move but I can't hear what you say. When I was a child. I had a fever. My hands felt just like two balloons. Now I've got that fever once again. I can't explain. You would not understand. This is not how I am. I have become comfortably numb.**

Luka Kovac restlessly looked at the digital alarm clock opposite his bed. The glowing numbers cast an eerie glow across his features as he tossed and turned trying to sleep. He glanced wearily back at the alarm clock that now read three twenty four. In three hours he would have to get up and face the world again. Sighing, he sat up and flung the covers off his body. It was no use. He knew he wasn't going to get any sleep. He slowly walked from his bedroom into the living room, flicking on a lamp as he passed it. He sank into his recliner and grabbed the remote. His thoughts weren't on the television and the nameless program that was on. His thoughts drifted back to his wife and children. Recently he had begun to think about them again. He had tried so hard to put them out of his mind and he thought he had succeeded. He didn't understand why he was thinking about them again. He had a good job, friends and most of all a girlfriend whom he cared about deeply. He closed his eyes and saw is wife's face. Feeling that familiar pang of guilt and hurt, he put his head into his hands and let the tears fall. He didn't understand why this had to happen any better today than he had years ago. He sat up for the next three hours, just thinking. He had to change the way he felt. He knew that much for sure. He just couldn't go on like this. He thought about counseling, but he didn't think that could work. He just didn't see himself opening up to someone he didn't know. He barely opened up to people he _did_ know.

Luka slowly got up and walked into his bathroom. He had to get to work. Just the thought of facing people made him cringe. He dreaded going into work and pretending everything was all right. He hated people coming up to him and asking if he was okay. Looking at him like he was an injured animal, like he was helpless. What if he said no? He doubted that they could do anything about it. He doubted that they would even care. He opened the medicine cabinet, looking for toothpaste. His eyes fell on a bottle of painkillers that had been prescribed for a knee injury. He slowly brought his hand to the bottle and picked it up. His hands shook as he opened the bottle and dumped a few ivory colored pills into his hands. The noise the pills made as they slid out of the plastic container filled the room. He looked at the five pills that were in his hands, the fifteen or so that remained in the bottle and then looked in the mirror.

"Is this what I really want?" He whispered to himself. He shook his head and put the pills back into the container, closed the lid and threw them in the trash.  
What was he thinking? He knew it wasn't the answer but he couldn't see how he could continue on. He was sick of feeling this way. Luka gripped both sides of the sink and took a shaky breath. In an instant, he bent down, retrieved the bottle of pills and hurriedly took the cap off. He dumped the contents of the bottle onto the sink and one by one took the pills. He walked back into his living room and turned the stereo to his favorite radio station. He was at least going to die listening to something sweet, instead of the silence that had always seemed to mock him. He sat down and waited... waited for the pills to do their job. His vision began to get hazy and he found it hard to breathe. He felt his heart pounding in his ears and the last things he heard before he gave in to the darkness that was closing in on him was the phone ringing and the sound of an old Pink Floyd song on the radio.

Abby Lockhart tapped out the number she has long since memorized. She waited for Luka to pick up and instead got his answering machine.

"You have reached Luka Kovac, I'm not available, leave a message and I'll get back to you...beep" Abby sighed and left her message.

"Luka, this is Abby, I have something really important to tell you, so I called to let you know I'm coming over early... So I guess I'll see you in a few. You had better be ready, cause Weaver will flip if we're late again. Bye"

Abby set her phone back on its cradle and grabbed her coat. She hurried down her apartment stairs and made her way to Luka's apartment complex. Abby thought about Luka as she walked in the chilly spring air. She had been with him for almost a year and although she cared about him, that spark wasn't there anymore. Lately, it was more of a friendship to her than a romance. She knew she couldn't put this off any longer and had decided today would be the day she told him. She reached her destination and bounded up the stairs. She pulled out her key and slipped it into the keyhole. She noticed the stereo was on, blasting out some oldie. She turned the doorknob and pushed open the door.

"Luka?" She called into the apartment. She walked over to the stereo and pushed the off button.  
"Luka?" She called again, into the now silent apartment. "Weird."

She walked into the kitchen, no Luka. She walked into the living room and smiled. He was in the recliner sleeping. She walked over to him but then stopped. Something was wrong and she couldn't quite tell what it was. She paused a moment, looked down at him and noticed the bluish gray color of his lips and face. Her mouth fell open and her eyes widened. He wasn't breathing. She quickly felt for a pulse and only felt a faint one.

"Oh my God." she whispered and ran for the phone, quickly dialing nine-one-one. After placing the call she ran back to Luka and began CPR. Her mind raced at the possibilities of why this had happened. Abby felt tears of frustration sting her eyes as she continued CPR, without success.

"Breathe, damn it!" Abby yelled. "Where the hell are the paramedics?!"

It felt like hours before paramedics arrived but in actuality it had only been minutes. Abby sat back and watched in silence as the paramedics put a tube down his throat and continued CPR. A medic tapped her on the shoulder.

"Do you want to ride with us to the hospital?" He gently asked her. He noticed the County General tag on her scrubs and added "We're taking him to County." Abby looked up at him and slowly nodded her head. The medic helped her up and led her downstairs to the ambulance.

They arrived at County ten minutes later, the medics still pumping oxygen into Luka's lungs. Abby walked next to the stretcher as they wheeling Luka into the ER. His lips still had that bluish color. She listened as the medics gave the vital statistics to a doctor. She didn't notice who it was or what they were saying. It sounded garbled to her. She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned around to see who it was. Once she saw it was John Carter, she turned her gaze back to Luka, who was being wheeled towards trauma one by Kerry Weaver and Jing Mei "Deb" Chen.

"Abby... Abby!" Abby tore her gaze from Luka and turned to face Carter. "Abby" he repeated. "What happened?"

"I... I went to his place... We were supposed to go to work... and... I found him like that. He wasn't breathing. I have no idea what happened. Carter, I was so scared." Abby's voice wavered and Carter watched as a few tears slid down her cheeks.

"Hey, it's okay now. We're gonna take care of him" Carter soothed, wrapping Abby in a hug. Abby let Carter comfort her and prayed that Luka would be all right.


	2. Chapter Two

Kerry and Deb were doing there best to try and figure out what was wrong with Luka. Kerry opened his eyelids and shone a light in them.

"Pupils unresponsive." Deb nodded and cast a look at his monitors.

"His BP and oxygen levels are falling." A nurse walked in with a sheet of paper.

"Here's his tox screen." She raised an eyebrow as she gave it to Deb. Deb grabbed the paper, confused at the gesture. She quickly scanned the sheet and her eyes widened.

"Jesus." She muttered. "Kerry, we need to pump his stomach and give him charcoal now. It's an OD on vicodin."

"What? Are you sure?" Kerry stared at Deb in disbelief.

"Yes, here look for yourself." She handed the sheet to her and Kerry shook her head as she read it.

"Jesus, Luka. What the hell did you do?" Kerry whispered as she started the procedure. Within minutes his pulse and oxygen levels were starting to go up. Kerry looked at Deb.

"Does Abby know what happened?"

Abby sat in the waiting room, wringing her hands. She looked up and saw Kerry walking toward her. She jumped up and quickly walked to her.

"Is he ok? What happened? Where is he?" Abby was firing questions at Kerry before she had the chance to speak. She looked at Kerry's face, unable to read it.

"Abby..." she began carefully. "Was Luka upset about anything recently?" Abby frowned.

"No, I don't think so. Why? Please, just tell me what happened."

"He overdosed on vicodin." Kerry looked at Abby for her reaction.

"What? Are you saying that he...that maybe he..." Abby couldn't get the words out. There was no way he had tried to commit suicide. Luka wasn't like that. He hadn't showed any signs. This just couldn't be possible. Kerry looked over at Abby again.

"When he wakes up, we're transferring him to psych." Abby just sat there in stunned silence.

"He's going to be okay?"

"We think so. He was lucky you found him." Abby watched as Weaver walked away. She sat back down in the chair in total disbelief.

Luka could hear voices around him. They sounded familiar. His entire body hurt. There is no way this is Heaven, he thought, maybe Hell, but certainly not Heaven.

"Luka, can you open your eyes?" Luka's mind raced to place the voice. It was Kerry's. Maybe he _was_ in Hell. He slowly opened his eyes and quickly shut them as the bright lights hit them. He groaned and brought his hand to his head. His head was killing him.

"Just take it slow. Can you open your eyes?"

He slowly reopened his eyes, allowing them to adjust to the light. He looked around and realized he was in the hospital. He was confused at first. Then it all came back to him. Panicked, he looked up at Kerry. He went to raise his hand but realized that he was in restraints. He felt a twinge of guilt at this realization. Kerry's face softened a bit and she freed Luka's hands.

"Luka" she said to him, as she finished untying the restraints. "You're in the hospital, do you remember what happened?" Luka looked around first. He was in the hallway, waiting for a room, he supposed. He tried to sit up but Kerry pushed him back down.

"No, you need to rest. Take it easy." Luka struggled to sit up, his body screaming in protest. He had to get out of this place. He couldn't believe he failed. He reached over and pulled the IV out of his arm and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

"Kerry." he said, his voice scratchy from the tubes. "I have to get out of here." He tried standing but she blocked his path.

"No, lay back down. There is no way in hell you are getting out of here. Do you remember what happened at all? Do you?" Kerry looked Luka in the eyes. Luka turned his head to avoid her.

"Yes, it's no big deal. Just let me go." Luka tried to pass Kerry again. She looked at him, her mouth hanging open.

"No big deal? No big deal?! Luka, you overdosed on painkillers! If Abby wouldn't have found you..." Luka's head snapped up.

"Abby found me?" He felt everything inside him tumble around. He didn't want to hurt Abby. She was the one thing in his life that wasn't bad.

"Yes... Now if you don't get back on that gurney I'll put you back in retraints." Luka sighed and got back onto the gurney knowing he was defeated. He watched in silence as Kerry fixed his IV.

"Now," she began. "Someone will be back in a minute to get you into a room. Please just stay here and don't get up." Kerry gave him one last look and walked away. Luka sat there feeling helpless and very alone. He just wanted to get up and run away from it all. He leaned back and closed his eyes. He knew he was in for a long haul. All because of one mistake.

Abby looked up as she saw someone standing in front of her. It was Carter again. He had two cups of coffee in his hands. He held one out to her. She smiled and took it.

"I thought you could use a cup." He said, sitting down beside her. She took a sip of the liquid and turned to face him.

"Thanks." She sat there looking thoughtful for a moment and began to speak again. "Carter, did I miss something here? Did you notice anything about Luka, because I sure as hell didn't and I'm still racking my mind as to how I missed it." Abby sat silent for a moment, waiting for Carter to speak.

"I don't know either, Abby. Sometimes I guess things just happen. He'll get help now. He'll be ok in the long run."

"How do you know that?" Abby countered.

"Well, I guess I don't know." Carter said, with a sigh. " I know that's not what you wanted to hear, was it?"

"No but thanks for trying anyway, Carter." They both sat there, silent, drinking their coffee. After a few moments, Abby spoke again.

"Carter, do you know what I was going to do today?" She asked him, not pausing for his answer.

"I was going to break up with him today." Carter's eyebrows went up in surprise. He had thought that Abby and Luka were fine, no problems. He had to stop himself from smiling. He couldn't help it, he was happy. He had liked Abby since the day he had met her. Carter listened as Abby continued.

"Should I still tell him? I mean, I don't want to make things worse, but I don't want to lie to him."

"I think you should tell him. It may be hard to hear but I agree, don't lie."

Luka opened his eyes when he felt the gurney moving. He looked over to see who was wheeling him. It was Deb and two other nurses he didn't recognize.

"Hey, it's good to see you awake." Deb said with a smile. Luka gave her a weak smile in return.

"Yes...well." Luka closed his eyes and prayed that Deb wouldn't say anything else. He didn't think he could answer her or anyone else for that matter. It a few minutes he was in a room. He looked around the white room, noticing how impersonal it was. He had never really noticed that before. I guess being on the other side of the situation makes a difference, he thought to himself. There was a knock on the door and he turned to see who it was. His breath caught in his throat when he looked up and saw Abby. She looked so tired, her face was pale and there was something about her eyes that made his heart want to break. 

"Hey." she said quietly. Luka stared back at her. He wanted to say so much but he couldn't get the words out. He couldn't even imagine how he had hurt her. She began to walk towards him and still he sat there frozen. He watched as she came right next to the bed and pulled up one of those plastic, uncomfortable visitor's chairs. He wanted to say something but no words came to mind.

"Abby..." he began. He searched his brain for words but he could think of only one thing to say. "I'm sorry." Abby gave him a small smile.

"I know." Abby paused for a moment. "Luka, you have no idea how happy I am that you're okay. When I walked into that apartment and I...I found you...that just..." Luka watched as Abby's voice broke and he could tell she was trying to fight back tears. He reached out and touched her hand.

"Everything will be okay." He told her. She looked up at him laughing a bit.

"I'm supposed to be doing the comforting here." Luka gave her a wan smile as Abby continued. "I wish everything would be okay but it won't be…"

"What do you mean?" Luka asked nervously. He imagined what she had to say wasn't going to be easy to hear. Abby took in a breath before continuing.

"Luka, lately things haven't been the same for me. I think you're a great guy and you are one of my best friends. It's just that I think that's all we will ever be, just friends." Abby paused, waiting for a reaction. Luka closed his eyes for a moment. It was too good to be true, he thought to himself. He knew deep down this was coming. He just prayed that he wasn't right. He opened his eyes again and looked at Abby. She was crying.

"It's okay." He said, trying to sound like he meant it but it came out broken and small. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Really, it's all right."

"I still want to be friends, really. You're a great person and if...."He gave her a half hearted smiled and laugh, cutting her off.

"No, I mean it." she said. He looked at her.

"I already said it's okay, so please, " He asked. "Would you leave?" Abby didn't know what to say to that. She sat there silent.

"I... I guess. Well, sure." Abby got up and walked towards the door, turning back to look at Luka. "Maybe I could..."

"Go!" Luka spat angrily. "Just leave." Luka hadn't meant to be so mean, it was just that Abby was another thing he cared about that he was unable to keep in his life. He watched as she silently left the room, closing the door behind her. Luka sighed.

"Just another thing I failed. What kind of person am I? Can't even succeed in killing myself." He said to himself bitterly. He could feel the tears start to sting his eyes. He tried desperately to keep them from falling, but it wasn't any use. He gave a sarcastic laugh. "Yet another thing to add to the list of failure."


	3. Chapter Three

THREE WEEKS LATER

**Okay, just a little pin prick. There'll be no more, but you may feel a little sick. Can you stand up? I do believe it's working. Good. That'll keep you going for the show. C'mon, it's time to go.**

_Three weeks ago, I tried to kill myself. I could say that it was a mistake but then I would be lying. I tried to convince myself that what I did was a moment of temporary insanity but I realized it wasn't. I am no longer in the hospital and I am thankful for that. Therapy... God, how I hated it. I kinda got the hang of it after awhile. You just tell them the things they want to hear and they leave you alone. I am still supposed to see a therapist every week but I doubt it will happen._

**There is no pain. You are receding. A distant ship's smoke on the horizon. You are only coming through in waves. Your lips move but I can't hear what you say. When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse. Out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look but it was gone. I cannot put my finger on it now. The child is grown. The dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb.**

Luka walked into the ER for the first time in three weeks. He looked around the busy ER and smiled. It did feel good to be back. He just prayed that he wouldn't see Abby. Seeing Abby would be like rubbing salt in the wound. It would just open up feelings he never wanted to feel again. He could still see her face the day she told him.

Luka was torn from his thoughts as the doors opened and a patient was being wheeled into the ER. Luka ran over to doors along with Carter. The medics began to give him the vitals of the patient.

"Got a twenty three year old male, a little agitated, stab wounds to the left lower calf and thigh. BP and oxygen levels good." Luka and Carter started wheeling the man towards one of the trauma rooms.

"I don't need no god damn medical attention! I want out of here!" the man screamed as Carter tried to figure out the extent of the damage. The man began flailing his arms and screaming. Carter frowned as the man kept kicking his legs.

"Luka, can you hold him still? He's gonna further tear the wound and I can't see what the hell I'm doing." Luka nodded an okay and approached the man.

"Get away from me!" he screamed, still kicking.

"Sir, just calm down. We're just trying to help you." Luka tried to hold the man still, without success. Luka noticed the man's hand going to his pocket. Confused, he watched as the man pulled a small knife.

"Carter, he has a knife! Watch out!" Luka tried to jump back as the man swung the knife at him. The knife connected with his arm and Luka cried out in pain as it slid across his skin, leaving a trail of red. 

"I said leave me alone!" the man screamed. Carter's eyes opened wide as he watched the man. He could feel his body turn cold and he froze. The light caught on the knife and for a moment Carter was back on the floor looking at a dying Lucy. The man was still swinging the knife. Carter felt a hand on his shoulder and he was jerked back. Everything was hazy as he realized Luka was dragging him out of the room. He could hear Luka calling for security but his voice was distant. A moment later he snapped out of it and turned to eyes towards Luka. Blood had soaked his coat sleeve and was dripping to the floor. Carter closed his eyes, a memory of bringing his hand towards his back and then to his face came to his mind. He could feel the warm liquid on his hand. He could see it. His shook his head to get rid of the memory. He could hear Luka saying something but wasn't quite sure what it was. He opened his eyes again.

"Carter...Carter, are you all right? Did he get you? Carter?" Luka was asking him. Carter looked at him blankly, shaking his head. He could see Abby and Susan walking towards them.

"What happened?" Abby asked. Carter looked over at Abby.

"Help him." He said, nodding Luka. "I have to get out of here." Without wasting a second, Carter left.

Abby turned to Susan.

"Can you handle Luka?" Susan nodded and Abby turned and began to follow Carter.

Susan turned to face Luka. She took a look at his arm and quickly removed her coat and wrapped it tightly around the cut.

"What happened?" She asked as they walked towards one of the curtained off rooms.

"That man had a knife." Luka said simply. Susan raised her eyebrows.

"Introducing the ER at County, home of psychos." She said with a laugh. "We sure know how to welcome people back, huh?" Luka laughed as he sat down.

"Yeah, you sure do. Sorry about all this." Luka said, motioning to his arm. "It looks like it going to need stitches." Luka watched as Susan unwrapped the coat from around his arm and carefully cut the sleeve of his coat off.

"Hey, it's my pleasure. It saves me from dealing with the old man who is throwing up all over the place in curtain six. Weaver's gotta deal with him now." They both laughed. Susan tried to make small talk as she began to suture Luka's arm.

"So, are you glad to be back to all this craziness?"

"Yeah, it sounds crazy. I mean who would miss all this? I did though." Luka said, then winced as Susan pulled a little to hard at the cut.

"Sorry." Susan apologized. "I know, what you mean though. I would miss all this too.  
There, all done." Luka smiled as Susan cleaned up.

"Thanks." Susan gave him a smile.

"No problem, just take it easy on your arm though. Maybe Weaver will let you take the rest of the day off."

"Nah, I'm fine." Luka said as he stood up. He started to walk, then stopped. Susan gave him a funny look.

"Luka, are you all right?" Luka didn't answer. His vision began to get hazy and there was ringing in his

ears. He could feel his legs start to give and he knew he was going to pass out. One moment, he was looking at Susan, the next everything was black.

Carter walked as fast as he could away from the trauma room, away from the man with the knife. Just one look at the man and brought every memory, every emotion back. Carter ducked into a deserted room and shut the door. His entire body shook as he sat down. He tried to calm himself down.

"I'm over this. It's over. He's not here. He can't hurt me." He said out loud to himself. He could feel tears springing to his eyes as the guilt of what happened came flooding back. He jumped as he heard the door open. He looking up to see Abby in the doorway. She walked tentatively towards him.

"Carter, what's wrong?" She asked as she sat down next to him. She noticed how he was shaking all over. Carter hung his head, wringing his hands. "Carter...please, just tell me what's wrong." He slowly raised his head. He took a breath in before speaking.

"Abby, that man... the man had knife. I guess I just panicked." Abby reached over and took his hand.

"It's okay now. He didn't hurt you. He can't hurt you." Carter nodded slowly. Abby shifted and turned to face him. She could see so many emotions in his eyes. She wrapped her arms around him. She could feel his trembling start to cease.

"Thank you Abby." Abby just kept her arms around him.

Susan watched as Luka's eyes rolled back and he fell to the floor.

"All right, my ass." she murmured. She kneeled down on the floor next to him. "Luka? Luka can you hear me?" In a few moments Luka opened his eyes.

"Did I pass out?" he asked. Susan nodded her head. She knew Luka well enough to know that he wasn't going to take it easy. She helped him up and he sat back down.

"Hey, I get off in a few. Why don't you come back to my place?" She began "There's no way I'm letting you drive home by yourself." She waited for his reply. He hesitated a moment before answering.

"Susan... I'll be fine. I just got up too quickly. I don't need to go home." The real reason Luka didn't want to go home was that if he went home he would be alone with his thoughts. He knew what would happen then. Susan gave him a look.

"Or the reason you passed out was that you just lost a pretty good amount of blood. Seriously, what can you do with an injury like that?"

"I can do plenty." Luka said indignantly.

"Like what?"

"Like... well... I can do..uh." Susan smiled as Luka stuttered.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Luka closed his mouth. He knew he wasn't going to win this one. " So, I'm off in a few. Just wait for me, okay?" Luka sighed.

"All right. I'll be in the lounge." Luka went to stand up but Susan stopped him. Luka gave her an impatient look.

"How about you just sit here? I don't want you passing out again." Luka looked up at Susan for a moment and their eyes connected. Luka felt a surge of energy go through him. Did she feel that too? He thought to himself. He opened his mouth to give her an answer.

"All right. How much longer is your shift?"

"About twenty minutes. I'll be back in a few... see ya then" Susan walked away, leaving Luka alone.


	4. Chapter Four

Susan walked towards the main desk, looking for Kerry. Maybe Kerry would let her leave now. She didn't want to be suckered into staying longer than she had to. Susan noticed Frank standing at the computer. 

"Frank, have you seen Weaver?" Susan asked. Frank gave her a look.

"What do I look like, a baby-sitter? She's around here somewhere." With that he turned his back to her and went about fiddling with the computer. Susan rolled her eyes.

"Thanks, Frank" she muttered. Susan sighed and went to pick up a chart, hoping it was something she could do quickly. She didn't notice Carter walk up behind her.

"How's Luka?" Susan jumped at the sound of his voice. She turned around.

"He'll be okay. He passed out." She told him. Carter raised an eyebrow, an amused look on his face.

"Really? At the sight of blood? I thought..."

"More like lack thereof." Susan interrupted, a edge in her voice. Carter frowned. What was Susan's problem?

" I didn't mean it like that." He told her. He hoped she didn't think he was being insensitive. He really did hope Luka was okay.

"Well, that's what it sounded like. It could have been serious Carter." Carter held up his hands in defeat.

"Okay. Okay. What's with you? It's like you're Luka's bodyguard or something. I just wanted to make sure he was okay. " Carter realized that comment was the wrong thing to say.

"Carter, shut up. I hope you get hurt so I can laugh at you!" Carter's eyes widened, his mouth falling open. Susan's face softened immediately. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I don't wish harm on you or anything." Susan shoved the chart at him. "Here, I'm off." Susan walked away, leaving Carter to stare after her.

Susan walked into the lounge and headed for her locker. She opened it up and put her stuff inside. She looked over her shoulder and noticed Kerry sitting at the table.

"Leaving?" Kerry asked her. Susan nodded her head. "I heard what happened to Luka." Susan sighed.

"Yeah." Susan watched as Kerry shifted in her seat.

"I should find him and tell him to go home. Personally, I don't think he should be back yet." Susan shrugged her shoulders.

"Luka is stubborn. He wouldn't listen even if you told him that. By the way, do you want me to tell Luka he can go?" Susan waited for Kerry's answer.

"Sure, I really should be getting back to work anyway." Kerry got up and walked out of the lounge. Susan shut her locker and made her way back to the curtain where Luka was.

Luka sat alone with his thoughts. He didn't like Susan that way. She was a friend, that's all, a friend. What if she could be more than that? No, it's not possible, he concluded. Susan is someone who deserves much better than him. She deserves someone who isn't a failure, someone who isn't weak like him. He sighed and sat up. He couldn't let her take him back to her place. He quickly got up and started walking towards the exit. He passed the main desk on his way out. He looked up as Frank said something to him.

"Dr. Kovac, where the hell are you going?" Luka almost smiled to himself. Smooth as always Frank, he thought.

"Don't worry, Frank, I'm off. See you later." He quickly walked out the doors before Frank could mutter some cheesy comeback. He walked out into the cool air. It looked like it was going to rain but that was okay with him. It suited his mood. He jammed his hands into his pockets, flinching slightly when his injured arm rubbed against the fabric. He had taken the el to work that morning but decided against taking it back home. He wanted the time to sort through his thoughts. He missed Abby, there was no doubt about it. It hurt deep down inside to know that she no longer loved him. He wondered where it had went wrong. Was it him? Was there something he could have done to make it work? The what if game was something that frequently visited his thoughts but the one scenario that kept haunting him was; what if I never took those pills?

Susan quickly walked back to where Luka was. She couldn't wait to get of there, it had been a long day. She stopped all of a sudden when she came to the curtain where Luka was. It was empty.

"Damn it." She muttered to herself. She turned on heel and began walking to the exit. "I should have known. Too damn stubborn."

"Who are you talking about, Dr. Lewis?" Susan turned around as Frank spoke.

"Never mind, Frank." Susan said as she was about to leave.

"Well I was just wondering cause if you're talking about Kovac, he left." Susan rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, thanks Frank." she said, letting the doors close behind her.

Luka walked up the steps to his apartment. He fished his keys out of his pocket and opened the door. He tossed his coat on the floor and walked over to the couch, letting himself sink into the overstuffed cushions. He sighed, he was worn out and he wasn't even there for an entire shift. He had almost dozed off when he heard the buzzer go off. He sat up, puzzled. The buzzer was persistent and he finally got up and clicked the intercom on.

"Yeah?" he said, hoping it was someone who had buzzed for the wrong apartment.

"Luka?" A familiar sounding voice responded.

"Susan?" Luka asked in surprise. Why had she come here?

"Yeah, can I come up? Or is this a bad time?" Luka quickly hit the button to let her in.

"No, no, it's fine. Come up." Luka waited at the door until he heard footsteps on the stairwell.

He opened the door and Susan walked in. He quickly closed the door and turned to face Susan.

"Can I take your coat?" Susan nodded and he hung up her coat, after grabbing his from the floor and hanging it up also. Luka decided not to beat around the bush.

"Why are you here?" He asked her. She raised an eyebrow.

"The question is more like, 'Why didn't you wait for me?'" She said. Luka looked sheepish for a moment.

"I didn't want you to go out of your way." Susan smiled.

"I wasn't, besides I didn't want you passing out again because we both know that would have truly sucked." Luka shrugged, walking back into the living room. Susan followed him, watching as he sat back down on the couch. Luka glanced back up at Susan.

"Well, I didn't." Susan sat down next to him.

"Obviously. Let me see your arm." Susan reached out to grab his arm but Luka pulled it back.

"It's fine, really." Luka said.

"Well if it's okay then let me see it." Susan replied. Luka kept his arm back, not letting Susan see it.

"No." Luka said, a hint of a smile on his face. Susan laughed.

"Oh, come on, don't be such a baby." Luka sighed and held out his arm in surrender. Susan looked at it carefully.

"It's looks good, no signs of infection."

"I could have told you that." Luka said, then smiled. "But I guess you wouldn't have believed me unless you looked at it for yourself."

"Well, you know I love playing doctor to the weak and pitiful."

"Oh, really?" Luka said. Is that what she thinks of me? He thought to himself. That I am weak? Pitiful? Susan watched Luka's face, the smile disappearing.

"What's wrong?" She asked. Luka shook his head.

"Nothing, just thinking."

"Oh." They both sat there awhile, an uncomfortable silence between them. Luka broke the silence.

"Want to watch a movie or something?" Susan shook her head and stood up.

"No, I really need to be going. I just wanted to see how you were." Luka watched silently as she got up and walked toward the front door. He wanted so say something to her so badly but the words froze in his mouth. He didn't want to be alone. He knew deep down that Susan cared, she was probably the only one who cared about him at County. He took in a breath and spoke.

"Wait..." Susan stopped, turing to face Luka. Something in his voice caught her attention. "Please, don't go. I don't want to be here alone." he whispered.

Susan stopped, her hand in the air, almost on the doorknob. She turned around, looking at Luka, trying to read his face. He looked lost, broken even. She walked towards him, keeping her eyes on him the entire time, stopping when she was facing him. She listened as he spoke quietly.

"Susan, can I ask you one question?" Luka's voice was soft, pain filled. Susan realized she had never heard him like this before. Luka didn't wait for her reply before continuing to speak. "Why did you come here?" It was a simple question and Susan stood quietly thinking a moment before answering.

"I came because I care. You're my friend, my co-worker, I guess I just thought...I don't know..." She answered, her voice trailing. Luka sat down, then looked up at Susan. A few seconds later, he realized he was speaking.

"I remember I had to leave the apartment for supplies, my daughter Jasna was begging to come with me but I wouldn't let her. I remember the desolate looks on my family's faces as I shut the apartment door and headed out. We hadn't been able to leave the apartment for months, it was too dangerous. I was only a few feet away when I heard the mortar shell. I looked back and the apartment was in pieces. I ran back, praying that they were alive. I ran past my friends, neighbors, who were dying...dead. I found Marko, my two-year-old son first, he was dead. I looked up and I saw Danijela, my wife, I ran and tried to pick her up but I couldn't, she had a large abdominal wound. When I set her down, I saw Jasna, I ran to her but she wasn't breathing. I tried, I knew in vain, to get her back while my wife lay dying a few feet away. I lost them all." Luka felt the familiar tightness in his chest and could feel the hot tears sting his eyes. He hadn't told anybody this in such a long time and he realized how crazy he must sound but for some reason he knew Susan would understand. "I go to work everyday and I save people, I must have saved hundreds of lives by now." Luka paused, looking up at Susan. "But what kind of doctor...person am I, if I can't save the lives of the people who matter the most?"

Susan stood there silent, her mind reeling in the information Luka had just told her. She sat down next to him and slowly wrapped her arms around him. She could feel his tears on her shoulder but she held on anyway.

"I can't help but think about what I could have done." He choked out. "If I had left when she wanted too, maybe they would still be here. Maybe." Susan cut him off.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself. You did what you could, to me it sounds like you did everything in your power to save them." Susan watched as Luka nodded. She let go and watched as he reached up, wiping away the tears.

"I must sound like such a fool." He said, smiling a bit. Susan shook her head.

"Not at all." Luka shifted in his seat until he faced Susan.

"Thank you."


	5. Chapter Five

**gray city walls. I pray tonight they'll fall.**

_I told Susan everything. Well, almost everything. I told her about Danijela, Jasna and Marko. Everything still aches inside but it has become a slightly duller ache. There are days when I still want to swallow everything in the medicine cabinet but I force myself not to think of that. I usually fail._

**Then the sun will shine on me. Send the light and set me free. I'll be up and on my way, on my Independence Day. All the songs I could not sing and all the words I could not say. I'll be shouting everything, on my Independence Day.**

Luka waited in the ambulance bay with Susan for an incoming trauma. He glanced at Susan who was staring aimlessly across the street. Susan's eyes focused and she looked at Luka.

"How are you?" she asked him. Luka gave a sly smile and a shrug.

"The same." He replied. He studied Susan's face carefully, trying to read what she was thinking. They could hear the sirens coming closer and it would only be a matter of minutes before the ambulance reached them. Susan held Luka's gaze. She was still a bit overwhelmed about everything that had happened at Luka's apartment. She had stayed there for almost two hours after Luka had finished telling his story. They had talked, mostly about things that didn't matter but sometimes about things that had both of them in tears. She had realized how badly Luka was hurting and how he had hidden it so well. He had opened up to her and it was something she didn't want to lose. She tried to mentally analyze Luka's response.

"The same," he had said. The same as in 'I still feel worthless but I'm dealing with it' or 'just shoot me, already.' She made a mental note to try and talk to him. The ambulance was pulling up to the doors, the doors opened, Luka and Susan walking quickly toward them. A young girl was being unloaded while the paramedic filled Luka and Susan in on some details.

"Twenty-three year old female, roll over MVA. Complains of neck and chest pain. Vitals are good." Luka nodded, looking at the girl. She had short brown hair and large brown eyes that were wide with fear and pain. There was a cut on her forehead, the red blood a sharp contrast again her pale skin. Luka began to examine her, while Susan asked the girl her name.

"Let's move her into trauma three." Luka said. Susan nodded and they were about to move her when Pratt ran up to them.

"Dr. Kovac, Dr. Weaver wants to see you. She told me to take care of this one." Luka looked at Susan as if to say "What now?" Susan shrugged and helped Pratt wheel the girl into trauma three.

Luka shed his surgical gown and threw it into the trash. The last he wanted to do at the moment was to speak with Kerry. He had a feeling that it wasn't going to be a pleasant experience. He walked toward the admit area, looking for Kerry but finding Frank instead. He asked him where Kerry was and Frank pointed to the lounge.

"She's waiting for you in there." Frank told him, then turned back to his computer. Luka mumbled thanks and walked into the lounge. Kerry was sitting at the table. She looked up as she walked in.

"You wanted to see me." Luka said. Kerry nodded.

"Why don't you sit down?" Luka sighed and sat. He knew where this was probably going and he didn't want to deal with it. He was seated across from Kerry and he waited for her to continue speaking.

"Luka, how have you been?" Luka just stared at her. Kerry stared back waiting for an answer.

"Kerry, I'm fine. I keep telling people that."

"I know but I still want to ask." Luka smiled. A totally forced smile and he knew that Kerry knew it,also.

"Thanks, but I'm okay." Luka wondered if Kerry knew that he was lying. He wasn't okay and he didn't know how to make things better.

"Are you seeing a therapist?" Luka glanced down and remained silent. Kerry let out an exasperated sigh.

"Luka! You need to be seeing a therapist!" 

"Kerry, just stop. I'm fine." Luka said, almost pleading.

"No, you're not. I don't think you realize the magnitude of the situation." Luka stood up, getting frustrated.

"I do! I tried killing myself." Luka paused a moment, falling silent. He realized it was the first time he had actually said those words. He looked at Kerry, who was silent, also. Luka continued. "It's over and done with now…I, I know how to handle this, Kerry." Kerry shook her head.

"No, I don't think you do." She said, softly. "Look, I'm going to blunt here. I don't think   
you should be back at work yet." Luka stood there, opened mouthed, processing the information. He knew what was coming next. 

"I talked with some other people and we all think it's best that…that you take some time  
off."

"No." Luka said, he knew it was a weak argument but he wasn't going to stand there and lose something in his life that was important without some sort of fight, even if it was weak.

"Luka, it's not really a negotiable matter." Luka just shook his head, unable to come up with anything to say. He was just tired. He closed his eyes, bringing his hand to the back of his neck. He nodded, in defeat. Kerry spoke, her voice softening just a little.

"I really think it would be the best thing for you right now. You need time to sort things out, to get your life back on track." Luka just nodded again and quietly left the lounge. He noticed Susan standing at the board, she noticed him also and smiled. He ignored her, walking toward the doors and going outside. Luka immediately shivered when he walked out, it was unusually cold for spring and the sky had clouded over. Luka kept walking until he was almost out of the ambulance bay, stopping at a curb. He removed white coat, taking it into his hands, taking note of the black stitching on the front pocket. He ran his fingers over it as he read it quietly to himself.

"Luka Kovac, M.D." he said, almost silently. "I don't feel like that person anymore".

"What happened?" Luka jumped and was torn from his thoughts when he heard Susan's voice. He turned around, giving her a half smile.

"It looks like I'll be taking some time off."Susan stood there, a puzzled look on her face."Kerry thinks I shouldn't be back at work yet."Luka clarified.

"Can she do that?" Susan asked. She already knew the answer but it was the only thing she could think of to say. 

"Yeah." Luka remained silent after that, not wanting to say anything else. He waited to see what Susan was going to say next. 

"Luka," Susan began, almost hesitantly. Luka didn't like the sound of her voice. "Don't take this the wrong way but I agree with Kerry." Susan and Luka stood silently for a moment, looking at each other.

"I know." Luka said. Susan looked surprised, she hadn't expected Luka to agree with her. Luka handed Susan his coat. Susan took it, questioning Luka with her eyes. 

"Will you keep that?" he asked her. Susan nodded as Luka smiled.

"Thank you." Luka turned to walk away but paused and walked back toward Susan. He wrapped his arms around Susan embracing her in a hug and pulling away a few moments later. Susan looked at the coat in her hands and back up at Luka.

"Do you want me to come over after my shift?" Luka shook his head. 

"I'll be fine, don't worry." Luka turned and walked away, feeling the best he had in days. He knew what he was going to do when he reached his apartment. He was going to finish what he started.

**Everyday I dream of leaving. Cause there's no end in sight. I've got to shine my own light. I just can't wait any longer, for you to make it all right. It's time to live my own life.**

_You could say that I am giving up. I am just sick of everything, sick of trying to beat this, trying to make things okay again. I'm just too tired. I know people care and that felt great at first but it's just not enough_  
_anymore. The person I worry about is Susan. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want her too feel like this is her own fault. She was the one who tried to help me but…I don't know. I just want to end it all._

**I can feel my troubles disappear. Anywhere the road will lead if it takes me far away from here.**

Luka closed the door to his apartment after walking into it. He looked around the silent apartment until his eyes fell on what he was looking for. The bottles of pills were lined up neatly on the coffee table, about a hundred pills in all. Some were painkillers, some were sedatives but all of them would be enough for a quick death. Luka sat down on the couch and opened each bottle one at a time and dumping the contents onto the glass of the coffee table. Each pill hit the glass with different pitch plinks and before long there was an assortment of colored pills on the table. Luka looked at the pills, swirling them with his fingers. Then, calmly, he picked up each pill and swallowed them. The act was over a few minutes later. He leaned back against the cushions of the couch and waited in the silence, alone, for the pill's inevitable outcome. Thoughts raced through his mind as he waited. Thoughts of his childhood, his family, Abby, Susan. He began to feel dizzy as the room spun around before his eyes. He could feel his heart pounding with such ferocity that he was afraid it would break through his chest. He tried to take a deep breath but he couldn't. He could feel his throat tighten and he knew it wouldn't much longer. There was a high pitched ringing in his ears and then he plunged into darkness.

**Then the sun will shine on me. Send the light and set me free. I'll be off and on my way, on my Independence Day. All the songs I could not sing and all the words I could not say. I'll be shouting everything on my Independence Day.**

The song is "Independence Day" by Imani Coppola


	6. Last Chapter

Susan walked into the lounge, a cardboard box in her hand. She walked toward the locker, keeping her eyes fixated on the small nameplate, stopping when she was in front of the locker. She let the box fall to the floor, the sound of it hitting the floor echoing in the deserted lounge. She sighed as she silently read the nameplate to herself. Kovac, it read. She opened the locker unceremoniously. She had removed the lock a few days ago but couldn't bring herself to actually open the locker. She gazed at the items inside the locker, letting her mind wander back to a month ago.

_a month earlier..._

Susan stared at Luka's back as he walked away from County, watching him until he was a small dot among the throngs of people. She folded the coat as she turned to walk back into the ER, planning to put the coat into her locker so she could return it to Luka later. The rest of the work day passed in a blur. Susan, weary, walked into the lounge to gather her things and then, whether Luka liked it or not, was going over to his place. She had a bad feeling about something, though she couldn't put her finger on it. Susan noticed that Abby was in the lounge, standing next to the coffee pot. Abby glanced up, noticing Susan, too.

"Hi." she said, in a friendly voice, smiling. Susan returned the smile.

"Hey." Abby laughed at Susan's tired and unenthusiastic reply.

"You sound tired." Susan nodded.

"Which is why I am getting the hell out of here." Susan walked toward the door but Abby reached out and grabbed her arm, stopping her. Abby leaned in and spoke in a quiet, somber voice.

"I heard about Luka." Susan sighed. "Is he okay?"

"I don't think it went over that smoothly." Abby nodded.

"I didn't think it would." Susan stood there, thinking about Abby's comment. Susan spoke.

"Did you know what Kerry was going to do?" Abby looked Susan, a quizzical look on her face.

"Yeah, didn't you?" Susan shook her head.

"No but how did you know?" Abby paused a moment before speaking.

"Kerry talked to me." Abby didn't like where the conversation was going so she changed the subject. "I'm worried about Luka." she said. "I don't think he's getting any help. I know that he's the kind of person that would rather do a bowel reconstruction that ask for help." Susan walked over to a chair at the table, sat down, then spoke.

"I know what you're saying. If he would just talk to someone, anyone..." Abby sat down across from Susan. Susan stopped, not sure if she wanted to continue her thought. She continued to speak. "I went over to his apartment one day and we talked." Susan looked up to see Abby staring at her intently. "He told me what happened to his family, it totally blew me away. He feels so guilty, so responsible for their deaths." Susan sighed. "I just wish he could see that

it's not his fault." Susan looked at Abby, waiting for her response.

"All he ever told me was that they were killed in the war." Abby said, quietly. "Susan, I'm glad he opened up to you." Susan nodded, standing up.

"I've got to go." she said. Abby stood up, also.

"Yeah, I should get back to work." Susan waited for Abby to leave, then left the lounge herself. She left the ER and headed in the direction of Luka's apartment.

Susan sat the el train, looking out the window at the building and sights of Chicago passed her by. the train was almost deserted, only a few other sleepy passengers joined her. The train jolted to a stop and she stood up. Susan stepped out into the cool night air, wrapping her arms around herself. The cold went right through her long sleeved shirt. She walked down the almost deserted streets, the street lights shining their amber lights on the sidewalks, casting everything in an eerie glow. Susan played potential conversations with Luka in her mind until she found herself in front of his apartment building. She quickly pressed the buzzer to his apartment, once, twice, three times, getting no answer. She was about to leave when a man came out of the building. He walked past her and Susan caught the open door, slipping inside. She made her way to Luka's apartment, staring at the faded black door and the gold numbers that were on the front. Susan brought her hand to the door, paused a moment, then knocked. No answer. Susan knocked again.

"Luka, it's Susan, are you in there?" she called. Susan's reply was silence. Susan turned and began to walk away but when she was halfway down the stairs, she stopped. Something wasn't right. She turned back around and walked back up to Luka's door, putting her hand on the doorknob. It was open. Susan carefully opened the door, looking inside the dark apartment. She felt along the wall for a light switch, finding one, she flipped on the lights. Her eyes immediately fell on Luka, who was on the couch. Susan smiled, relieved he was just sleeping. Susan was about to leave, when something orange caught her eye. She looked at the coffee table, a terrible feeling washing over her. There were five pill bottles arranged neatly in a row, all empty. Susan ran over to Luka, checking for a pulse and not finding one. Susan let her hand fall to her side as she stared at Luka in shock. He was dead. She sat down next the couch and took Luka's hand. She cringed at how cold it was. She glanced at his face noticing that it finally looked peaceful.

"Luka." Susan whispered. " You didn't have to do this. I would have helped you." Susan let go of his hand and stood up. It was then she realized she was crying. Susan found Luka's phone and made the necessary phone calls, then waited in the silence for the coroner and the police. She didn't taker he eyes of Luka, until his face was covered and he was being taken out of the apartment. A middle aged police officers with a kind face walked up to her.

"Do you need a ride somewhere, miss?" he asked her. Susan nodded.

"County General."

Susan stood numbly at the doors to the ER. Finally, she took a deep breath and walked in. She wondered who was working that night. Abby, she knew for sure. She looked around the ER for some familiar faces. She saw Abby, Carter, Chuny and Jerry standing by the admit desk. She made her way toward them. Carter was the first to look up. Susan realized she was crying again. Carter walked toward her.

"What's wrong? What Happened?" Carter asked. Susan wiped her eyes then glanced at Abby, trying to tell her what happened without speaking. She watched as Abby's face fell and her hand go to her mouth.

"What?" Carter asked, confused, glancing between Susan and Abby. By then, Chuny and Jerry were listening with intent, also. Susan took in a slow breath, trying to calm herself.

"I was worried about Luka." she began. "So I went over to his place..." Susan tried to get the words out but could barely get anything out over the lump that was forming in her throat. She could see the tears running down Abby's cheeks and the concerned looks on the others' faces. "He's dead." she said finally, through her tears. " I found him. He...he took an overdose of pills." Three jaws dropped and Abby's sobs increased. "When I got there...he had probably been dead for a few hours." Susan watched as Carter walked over to Abby, pulling her into a hug. He looked up at Susan.

"Oh, God." he said "I thought he'd be okay."

"So did I." Susan replied, almost silently.

_Present..._

Susan stared at the now empty locker, all of it's contents in the box she was holding. She set the box down on the table, then sat down herself, rubbing her temples with her fingers. The door opened and a doctor she didn;t recognize walked in with Kerry. Susan sat silently, watching as Kerry gave the new doctor Luka's old locker. She watched as Kerry removed Luka's nameplate and replace it with a new one. It read 'Richards'. The new doctor quickly put his belonging into the locker and followed Kerry out of the lounge. That's when a realization hit Susan. Luka was really and truly gone.


End file.
